everloss - rpg punk

Violence and Teenage Girls

Even if you aren’t a geek you should at least look at these games for the unique and pure humor

The first is called Violence: The RPG of Egregious and Repulsive Bloodshed (careful, the link goes to a PDF document)

i love that title!

“Violence is ostensibly an RPG about playing thugs, thieves, and serial killers as you break into homes, kill the inhabitants, and take their treasure.”

you see, the game was designed as a parody of “hack and slash” gaming where the players simply wipe out everything they see. or as the back of the book says,

“Excessive is not enough to describe Violence. Bad taste doesn’t even get close. This is role-playing’s answer to the snuff movie.”

bullshit like that is why a lot of people are turned off to RPG’s. they hear some smelly geek shriek with his ear-piercing and jarring falsetto breaking pubescent voice “i slayed an elfin warlord! Excelsior!” and immediately think… lame.

well yes, that is lame in the highest caliber. and this game makes fun of that. only diference really is that in Violence, you play in modern times and choose from gangsters, cops, or psychotic killers as classes. and they are all rolled up the same, so how you turn out is really up to you and your own hidden psychosis’ in how you play the character.

the humor is layed on pretty thick by the game designer, a eurotrash brit who calls himself ‘Designer X’ ooOOoo! sneaky!

for an idea of how this game works…
“Consider Frank Miller’s Sin City and Batman: Year One, or the movies Pulp Fiction, The Big Hit, La Femme Nikita, The Professional, El Mariachi, any movie by Quentin Tarantino or John Woo, and so on. You get criminals, cops, guns, and victims together, and suddenly you have a plot.”

see? you’ve seen those movies… you wondered what it would be like to be that bloodthirsty. don’t deny yourself. embrace your sick imagination.

moving on towards a less violent but equally disturbing game…
the winner of the 2002 Indie RPG Award for Best Free Game…

Nicotine Girls

as the website says,
“nicotine girls is a roleplaying game of teenage, lower-income girls looking for happiness.”

wow.

First off, the game is free. you don’t have to pay for it, you don’t even have to download it. the rules are like 2 pages in length. you can simply cut and paste the text into MS Word.

Second, the point of the game is thus: pretend to be a 16-19 year old girl with the goal of attaining “your dreams.”

whatever that means. i know some dudes who would interpret this into the sickest thing you would ever hear of.

i think the best part is how the characters manipulate the game world, get what they want and attain their dreams…
you use four attributes that they refer to as “Methods”

1) Sex: should be obvious. girls use sex and the promise of sex or the implication of sex in the future to get what they want.

2) Money: this should also be obvious. a girl needs money to get shit, right? and she can simply use her Sex stat to get money in a variety of ways.

3) Cry: i hate it when girls cry. nothing paralyzes me in fear more than some poor chick balling her eyes out.

4) Smoke: i think this is the coolest RPG idea EVER. if you have to make a decision, you can opt for a Smoke Break and ask for advice from other characters as to a course of action.

there is some more to it than that, but not much. and the Fear list is quite humorous. at least to me.

i think Nicotine Girls was made about almost every single girl i went to high school with. and, by extension, every girl in high schools everywhere. well, at least the bad ones.

Review: Bert’s Chili at Waffle House

i shit my pants.

if you are laughing about that last statement, or if you think i am kidding, i’ll say it again…

i shit my pants.

earlier tonight i played some euker, watched the funniest documentary ever made (Country Boys on PBS), drank 12 beers, and ate some waffle house (chili covered hasbrowns). i’ve never had waffle house chili before. i said that to the waitress and she assured me that the chili is good.

i got home, read my numerous messages, and started to write a blog…

and then i shit my pants.

normally, your body lets you know that you may have to take a shit a few minutes in advance. my early warning system failed.
horribly.
it was like i aged 80 years and became suddenly incontinent.

now, i might have misled you a bit. my pants did not fill up with feces. and i did have some amount of warning. that warning was the horrible sensation of something more-than-a-fart trying, with mixed success, to escape from my bowels into the outside world. a world that does not appreciate poop.

as i attempted to run to the bathroom, i could feel more and more pressure. to keep my ass from exploding into my jeans, i squeezed my butt cheeks together. this made the short run to the bathroom difficult indeed.

i have discovered that chili covered hash browns look exactly the same coming out , as they did going in! consistency is a little more… mushy, however.

my buddy Chris Cantor said that my ass was smothered by my jeans and covered by my shit. a better Waffle House analogy, i have never heard.

i really don’t know what else to say. i could have easily covered this embarrassment up, but i don’t think that is fair to my faithful readers. i love you all.

Huntington Park

I tend to be a nostalgic person. I like the original Transformers from the 80’s, hate remakes of classic movies, and screamed bloody murder when the Browns moved to Baltimore.

That being said, the Columbus Clipper’s new home at Huntington Park is superior in every way to Cooper Stadium. I feel absolutely no remorse in saying that either.

Some of my fondest childhood memories were at the Coop, and I would never give those up; but the old stadium was in a bad location, in a bad neighborhood, had bad food, looked bad, smelled bad… Cooper Stadium was just bad.

Huntington Park on the other hand is AMAZING! It reminds me a lot of Jacobs’ Field in Cleveland; picnic tables, plasma screens everywhere showing the game, restaurants all over the place along with little beer and food stands. The bathrooms aren’t room-length troughs to empty your bladder into; there are actual clean urinals and toilets.

The left field… I’m not sure what to call it… building is pretty amazing. It is three stories; first floor is a Bob Evans, second floor is a bar filled with amazing baseball memorabilia spanning the length of baseball from all the old Columbus Teams like the Jets and the Red Birds, and the third floor is open-roofed with a Rooster’s and bleachers. All floors have HUGE open windows to watch the game below. In front of the building is a large concourse with lots of tables and benches and more picnic tables, and even a grassy knoll where you can lay down a blanket to watch the game.

On Friday’s you can buy $2 Leinenkugal’s before the first inning! There is a City Barbecue behind the Right Field Fowl Line, and two HUGE bars behind Home Plate. Drinks are expensive; $6 – $7.75, but that’s the same for any sporting event, anywhere. The drink prices are offset by the incredibly cheap ticket prices; General Admission is only $6, Reserved Seats are $10, Boxed Seats are $12 in advance or $15 on the day of the game.

On top of all that, after the game, head out the Right Field Entrance/Exit and head West to Betty’s Bar, just a short walk down the street. Betty’s is a little dive that’s been surviving since 1963. The place is awesome. They also happen to have buckets of 10 beers for only $20 after the game!

You need to go check out Huntington Park. Major League stadium with Minor League prices, and a great addition to our fair city.

Lackluster

Official: Lacklusterband.com
Myspace: Lackluster
Garageband: Lackluster

Jon Hayes, the singer, guitarist, main songwriter of Lackluster describes his band as being “essentially a one man project stemming from the remains of Bender, a local central Ohio band,” but I have to respectfully disagree. Bender, as I knew the group, was musically limited to a grunge/post-grunge, almost Nirvana wanna-be style that, quite honestly, wasn’t that interesting to listen too.

Fast-forward ten years and Jon has created something fresh, something new, something that is willing to take risks, and more often than not, succeeds in what it’s trying to do.

Like a lot of bands, Lackluster’s recorded music doesn’t match the brilliance of their live show. So if you don’t dig the music on the official site or the Myspace site, then you should definitely check them out live. It’s definitely worth your while. Besides, the shows are usually either free or no more than 5 bucks ya stingy bastards!

Jim Weisbarth of Verner Caliper and the unfortunately-defunct foid plays bass and Mike Shiller is on drums.

Jon managed to spare some time to answer some questions:

How many concerts a month do you play? how many would you like to play?

JH: Right now, we’re playing maybe two or three times a month on average. As far as how many I’d like to be playing? Somewhere between 27 and 31, depending on the month, would be nice.

do you still use drum samples now that you have a dedicated drummer?

JH: Right now, no we don’t. We do use a sampler of sorts for instrumentation we haven’t acquired in the human sense, but not really so much for additional drum layers. We do have another song that doe shave additional percussive elements to it, but we haven’t started working on it as a group just yet.

what was your favorite cartoon show growing up?

JH: Growing up… that’s a tough one. Snorks. All childhood cartoons have become a blur to me, so it’s not like the Snorks have a special place in my heart for any particular reason; other than, when i mention it to people, more often than not, I get a look of bewilderment staring back at me. Like the Snorks are the product of my own imagination. I question that sometimes. Have you ever heard of Snorks?

Why do you complete so many Myspace surveys?

JH: Ha, it used to be out of boredom, when I had a regular, lame-ass job. Now that I no longer have that job, it’s far less frequent.

Have you seen Lackluster’s fan support grow from people you know personally, to people you don’t know at all?

JH: It’s changing to an extent. It’s weird because I imagine however popular one might become, they are always kind of relying on the support of others. Perhaps even more than their own abilities. We’re just as dependent. Though, I’d like for it to be a symbiotic relationship. I’d rather someone come to see ebcause they get something out of it than just because we know each other. But we’ll takes what we can gets, and be thankful for it. But, yeah, it’s growing slowly. The tough part isn’t getting people to come up to you after a show and pay you compliments, or money for a CD. It’s getting them to come back. But, it’s growing. Occasionally someone I’ve never met will say they saw us somewhere, then kick me in the balls and tell us we suck. It’s kind of an honor really.

How was life in the Air Force? Did your service influence your musical taste?

JH: I can adapt to things pretty well, and I don’t have any notions that anything but my own stink revolves around me. The military, to varying in degrees, is mostly just made up of people who feel the same way. It fostered integrity, which I feel translates into different aspects of music… but I still hate Creed.

How has your music grown since you first started playing?

JH: It’s weird, because sometimes it doesn’t seem like it has at all, and sometimes it does. If I were to sit down and play something current in front of myself, from fifteen years ago, I think there would be a difference. But, I actually put some effort into lyrics now. That’s definitely changed.

Do you find it difficult to write songs, or does inspiration just come to you?

JH: I find it extremely difficult BECAUSE it just comes to you.

When did you first start playing music, and what made you start?

JH: I think I was 13 or 14, and I’d skip school to hang out with this kid. He had a guitar, and we’d pretty much just play it all day, wherever we could that would piss off as many people as possible. He told me my fingers were too fat, and I thought he was wrong. So, I played.

Dragonforce

Dragonforce is coming to town tomorrow. Not only that, but they’re playing at the Newport Music Hall, which has more history and character than any other concert hall in the country. But to add a little shit to the sugar, I have both the flu, and an extreme lack of funds.

I was first introduced to Dragonforce when the video for “Through the Fire and Flames” first started playing on Fuse several years ago. My friend Metal Joe would always play it while we drank at his apartment. He played it loud. Really fucking loud. And we would all sing along with it as if it were some old irish drinking song. That is, if old Irish drinking songs were power metal played at 800 beats per minute.

I’ve seen Dragonforce twice already; once as the openers of the main stage at Ozzfest and once as the openers for Killswitch Engage.

At Ozzfest ’06 Dragonforce opened up the main stage at like 10 in the morning. They played 4 songs, lasting about a half hour to 40 minutes. Even though it was early, and a more popular teeny bopper candy-metal band was playing on the second stage, Dragonforce brought their A game. They actually had a small crowd going (the majority of Ozzfest attendees had yet to arrive because the concert was on a weekday). What made me laugh out loud was the Keytarist. That dude is absolutely driven. He starts out every song playing a traditional keyboard, then mid-way through switches to a keytar and rocks his fucking balls off for the rest of the song, leaping and jumping and kicking like a maniac.

Less than a year later Jason Perlman at Musicohio had an extra Photo Pass and gave it to me. I didn’t have a camera, but I didn’t particularly care about that. I got to see Dragonforce up close; so close I could smell what they had to eat for lunch. So close that I got repeatedly hit with strands of Dragonforce sweat.
This was LONG before they became huge through Guitar Hero III. They were one of the opening acts for Killswitch Engage. Really. Both I and the band itself were surprised by how much the crowd was into it. It was an indoor show, and people were going crazy. The whole place was singing along with the chorus to almost every song. It was amazing.

Go see Dragonforce. Even if you don’t like metal. No matter how much tickets cost, you will get more than your money’s worth.

A Primer on Columbus Music pt 1

Bands in Columbus are constantly evolving, mutating, and changing. Contrary to what Cringe.com says about the “Columbus Sound,” there is very little that any Columbus band has in common with any other Columbus band.

there is no such thing as a “Columbus Sound.”

that phrase is simply a marketing term, and as with most marketing terms, it does a huge disservice to everyone involved.

As far as i care to go back, there have been three major musical movements in Columbus in the past 25 years. these three trends aren’t clear cut, overlap each other, and many bands do not fall into these loose categories.

the Punk movement of the 80’s and early 90’s; bands such as New Bomb Turks, Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments, and Great Plains.

The 90’s and early 2000’s Pop movement with Royal Crescent Mob, Watershed, The Sun, and Tiara

The Stoner Metal trend with Deadsea, Evil Queens, and Teeth of the Hydra among others

there has also been a growing hip hop community with such greats as Blueprint, Envelope and Hotsauce.

A lot of the older bands are still around and still very influential to the younger bands coming up.
For example, the New Bomb Turks are still one of the best live bands in the city, and they can really be called a national band now (or even international: i have a DVD of them in Edinburgh, Scotland for christ’ sake).

Our Columbus venues support these trends.
Bernies Distillery, while slowly dying, was for a very long time the BEST place to see punk shows. i say slowly dying because it’s true. Bernie’s nowadays is a far cry from what it used to be. i blame the smoking ban; the scenesters used to stay inside and smoke and be seen and could act cool while listening to a band. Now, all the little kids who think they’re bad-ass lil’ punx hang out outside and never even hear the bands they paid 5 bucks to see. As Bernie’s dies, i think the Columbus punk seen will die with it. Not completely die out, of course, but it will be dealt a serious blow.

Cafe Bourbon Street and The Summit, as well as the numerous house show places have helped to further reduce Bernie’s reputation. They don’t usually showcase the frenetic hardcore acts that populated Bernie’s, but they’ve taken everything else. Plus Cafe Bourbon Street has a built in hotdog stand (not as good as Taco Ninja though)

Ravari Room is THE place to see metal shows in the city. there is absolutely no where else that can get the talent Ravari Room gets in terms of metal bands. Cheap beer, decent service, good food, and awesome bands.

Skully’s has decent support of local bands, including a free local show every week, but seems to be moving towards national electronic dance and hip hop acts.

Carabar could be the best venue in the city for local bands except for two reasons; location, and clientelle. the location is on Parsons in Olde Town East, far from just about everything else in a high crime neighborhood. The clientelle is mostly (but not all) snooty, elitist scene kids. I know that Carabar has had that reputation for a while now, and from what i hear things have been changing, but i’ve never felt welcome, i’ve never seen the kids dance or move at all to any band, and it just makes me kinda sad. They tend to have the more “artsy” and experimental bands, as well as a decent, if limited, selection of local punk and metal bands. For a band, if you don’t know the people at Carabar and you somehow get a gig there, you’re probably not going to have a good time.

The Circus ruined what used to be a great bar, the High 5. No, i’m not talking about the High 5 you probably remember from the past 5 years. I’m talking about the bar BEFORE it was renovated. No windows; just dank, smoky darkness and a 50 year old nasty woman bartending and local and regional punk bands tearing it up. From what i can tell, Circus is a gay bar made for straight people. Their biggest night of the week is karaoke, if that helps you out any.

There are lots of house shows as well. If you are unfamiliar, it is simply a house whose owners or renters have converted the building into a concert hall. Legion of Doom has been around forever and is for you straightedge kids. but there is also Monster House and Metronome House (acoustic) to name a few.

Love hole

i just read in today’s Columbus Dispatch that Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love are now a couple.

for a brief moment, i lost all the respect i had for Rourke.

then i realized that the man is damaged. and like always, when she see’s a damaged man who is seemingly successful, Courtney Love skanked her way onto his lap so she can suck his blood like a succubus.

i’m guessing it was the scene in the Wrestler when he called Kurt Cobain an asshole. i’m willing to put money that she saw that scene and thought, “a man after my own heart.”

what a fucking cunt-rag.

to this day, i’ve never understood why people defend her. she’s a junkie, a shitty mom, a murderer (if she didn’t pull the trigger, which seems very likely given the evidence, she certainly drove him to do it), and a no-talent hack.

musical talent = none. acting talent = none. personality = none. looks = none. personal growth = none. taste = none. relevence = none.

i will giver her this; she is somewhat intelligent. getting away with killing her husband, then stealing his career, then fucking every record executive and drunk/drugged rockstar who would touch her heel-skag ass, then getting a role as a junkie prostitute in a huge movie… i mean, that is pretty impressive. you can’t be stupid and be able to do all that.

or it could all be luck.

i mean, could someone who looks like horny scientists shaved a chimpanzee, bleached its hair, smeared hooker-red lipstick all over its face, then taught it to take dick in every hole for treats, really be all that intelligent?

she sold millions of records though.. oh wait, it is cliche to say that the majority of people are incredibly stupid, right?

and now her claws are in poor, fucked up, deranged, damaged, Mickey Rourke. hasn’t the poor guy had enough pain in his life? now he has to get syphilis, herpes and a fucking leech sucking what’s left of his life away?

doesn’t he have friends? couldn’t Steve Guttenberg give him some helpful advice?

Album Review: Railcars

Railcars – Cities vs Submarines
written and performed by aria jalali*
recorded and produced by jamie stewart
engineered by jamie stewart and shaw waters
mastered by thomas dimuzio
album artwork by claudia o’steen (claudia_osteen@yahoo.com)

*(tracks 2 and 4 – some percussion / mandolin: jamie stewart)
*(track 5 – glockenspiel: dasha bulatova)

(Myspace)

Railcars is a one-man-band out of San Francisco. I know, I know, you’re asking yourself ‘why are you reviewing a band from San Fran, dude?‘ But it’s been tough getting out to any shows lately and these guys (err… guy) ~~were~~ was nice enough to send me this 5 song EP with album art and photos and stuff.

Some background for you: These songs were recorded in the kitchen of Jamie Stewart, whom some of you may know from the band Xiu Xiu.

from the liner notes Aria sent me…
“cities vs submarines is a ten minute journey into aria jalali’s most vivid, reoccurring dreams. railcars is an attempt to bring the images that have haunted aria’s mind to life using drum boxes, synths, and noise pedals with sentiments recreated in lyrical form.

the current four member lineup for railcars’ live performances was established by jalali when asked to play some shows with handsome furs in april 2008, however aria jalali mostly perfors railcars sets by himself, with only a laptop, guitar, a few boss loop station pedals, an ipod shuffle, some radio wires, some noise pedals and some broken keyboards.”

I gotta respect a guy who does it all himself.

Full Review:
There is Ice; It is Blue – This song consists of ridiculous amounts of synthesized electronic noise. I’m pretty sure I heard a cell-phone ring tone layered in there somewhere. The singer (if you can call it singing on this track) sounds like an angry drunk trying to convince someone that they are an asshole by yelling and puking at the same time. I liked this track. the louder you play it, the better it sounds.

Saints are Waiting for Me (Outside my door) – this song has a good amount of electric noise, and a driving drum beat. However, I just can’t get into it as much as There is Ice. It seems disposable; in fact, it is about 30 seconds longer than There is Ice, yet it seems to be over a minute shorter. I can’t put my finger on it, but this song is missing something; like trying to bake a cake when you forgot to throw eggs into the mixing bowl.

Concrete Buildings – The first song with recognizable guitars. This is very Strokes-like, which isn’t necessarily good or bad. I guess that is a matter of personal taste. Simple beat behind it, the vocals sound like they are underwater, which is actually kinda cool. The best part is the ending; the song closes with this noise that sounds like some sort of electrical device being shut off. Jesus, that was a vague description. Think of the sound an old camera flash makes when it charges up – then imagine that sound in reverse.

Through the Trees Lay Smokestacks – 48 seconds of eerie coolness. I wish this was longer. It’s just so… weird. In fact, I’m gonna play it again right now.

Bohemia is Without a Sea – An upbeat track with perhaps the greatest amount of lyrical content on the whole EP. This might be my favorite song out of the 5. There is a lot of stuff going on but not enough to be considered excessive to the point of detracting from the song.

Capsule review: An interesting listen with some unique ideas. Play it loud when drinking PBR or Heinekin at your scenester friends’ house.

4 Song Review: Your Favorite Assassin

(Myspace)
(Official Page)
I first saw Your Favorite Assassin a few years ago at the Billiard Club. Later, I saw them play an opening slot at Cafe Bourbon Street. At the Billiard Club, they played a fine cover of Peaches’ “Fuck the Pain Away.” I honestly don’t remember any of the songs they played at Cafe Bourbon Street, but I remember thinking that they had a more dynamic stage presence there than at the Billiard Club. Their live show is fast paced and pretty exciting. A lot of that has to do with their Frontwoman, known as the DBK. Their Myspace page lists their impressive influences (Notables: Bad Brains, the Dwarves, X, New Bomb Turks, Brainiac). They have a couple singles recorded and 1 full length album and an EP out now, with another full length due out this fall. I recommend checking them out if you can catch a live show.

Resistor
This song is fast and furious. DBK’s vocals are loud and fuzzy (both are good things) and backed by… well I’m not entirely sure, but I’ll assume it is Mike the guitarist. Heavy guitars and drums through the whole song. The chorus sees the female lead wailing like a banshee with the male back-up singing behind her. I’m not a fan of that style (it seems too close to Linkin Park rap-rock to me), personally, I would rather just hear the chick scream. Bass is drowned out, which is unfortunate, but you honestly won’t miss it. A fast dirty track, I could listen to this a few times in a row. In fact, I just did.

Deeper the Wounds
A slower, acoustic song. Not indicative of their other work. This song is has elements of the aforementioned ‘X‘ in it. Unfortunately, it is kind of generic. The subject matter of the lyrics is nothing new. Everything you know is a lie, everyone you know will betray you, yadda yadda yadda. However, the recording is crisp and clear. I can see this song being a favorite for disaffected teenagers who have yet to come to grips with the fact that life sucks.

Like a Saint
This song reminds me of the glory days of 80’s metal. I’m sure my metal purist friends may disagree, but the vocals and breakdowns just have a badass-ness that I can’t quite put my finger on. Probably the singing. You don’t hear too much actual singing in heavy songs anymore. It’s either raspy screaming or dog-fart grunting. The bass is loud and clear, and the guitar compliments the singing. Good stuff. Like if DRI teamed up with Lita Ford.

Blood Oranges
The singing at the beginning of this song is ok, but what really caught me is when her voice got quiet about 20 seconds in. The transition from upper-register to the low, near whisper was very much like Jucifer (who are bad ass btw). This song seems like it was recorded as an experiment in using different vocal effects. FX aside, Blood Oranges shows the range of the singer and along with Like a Saint, really shows how powerful her voice can be.

4 Song Review: Verner Caliper

Veteran Columbus rockers Verner Caliper seem to be a local enigma; they’ve been playing together for over 13 years and have yet to produce a full length album. They are also producing some of the most original rock songs that you (yes, YOU) have recently heard. Several of their songs are posted on their website vernercaliper.com, but to get a true sense of their sound, you must see their live show.

Background

The recorded version of this song found on their site is a few years old. It is charming at times, but tends to drag on a bit. The current version of the song however, is something to behold. This song reminds me of an old steam engine. It starts with a slight jolt and quickly finds its chugging rhythm, pounding steadily down the track. The older version of the song arrives safely at the next station, but in its current incarnation, the train loses control and settles into a barreling rampage. It does eventually reach the station, but the passengers are shaking and the conductor is drunk.

Collapse

This song is still one of VC’s staples even after 10 years. It begins soft and sensitive with a chiming, almost hypnotic guitar riff. The drums and bass join in and soon we are on a march to musical freedom, at least until the chorus rips our heads off. The maturity of this song is impressive, especially having been written in high school.

Cut and Dried

This catchy, fun little ditty will have you tapping a foot and maybe bobbing a head. Its high energy, feel-good rebelliousness, and 2 minute length will leave you wanting more.

In Response

While not technically a “new” song, this song is “newer” in terms of the Verner Caliper timeline. The opening electric riff is accompanied by a twelve string acoustic which combine for a haunting effect. If I had to compare this song to any other band it would probably be Rush, simply because of the complexity of the material, the timing changes, and the chops to pull it off. Songs like this just aren’t made very often.